Depression

 

 DEPRESSION...                                  

 Is this going to last forever? I don't have the energy for people or friends, i don't energy at all. I fell out of love with everything and I convinced myself that everyone fell out of love with me. I’m a disappointment, I don’t belong to the planet, I’m not needed and not wanted. Nobody understands me, how do I even understand myself? I feel alone even when I’m surrounded by people.

The emptiness overshadows everything. Is this what life supposed to feel like? Time is collapsing in itself, everything has blend together to make one suffocating loop, its endless and overwhelming. I can’t breathe!

Does anyone know what I’m going through? Do they care? Sometimes its hard to find the right words and even when you do, they look the same. If you look deep into my eyes, you will know it is pain I’m trying to hide. Where were you when I needed you the most?

I just want everything to stop, make it stop! I need it to stop!! I’m not worth anyone’s worry but mine, is a mess I can’t control and I can’t let it show. It is eating me up big time. Sometimes my heart beat so fast I can’t even feel the beatings at all. I feel like I’m losing myself and then all a sudden I feel nothing.

To be honest, its hard to be vulnerable when you thought it was a happy day. I wake up praying for the day to be over, is life worth living in these moments? The questions are endless and the answers are non-existent and just when my mind start to throw me off the edge, I force myself to be still, close my eyes; breathe in, breathe out, be still!

For so long, I thought these burdens were my responsibility to care, your burden, fatigue, loneliness, anxiety, depression etc. is not your weight to carry. My feelings tell me that existing is overwhelming but my thought does not owe and I do not owe them. I’m done being chained to the thing’s depression wants me to believe.

Feelings fade but truth does not, my feelings and darkness tell me that there is no way out but the light shows me differently. Days will be brighter and days will be dark, healing is a process and processes takes time.

Now these are the truth I hold on to, exist in the realm of control that you were made to, stop attempting to control things you have no power over. Don’t neglect your feelings but don’t let it dictate what is true. Let go of what destroys you, ask for help. Do what is good for you even if you don’t feel like. Give yourself a break, you are less than because of what you feel. You are not your pain; you are what you make out of it.

Light has found a way through my pain every single time. So now, I will choose not to fight the darkness but rather seek the light. The sadness will come, the disappointment will come, the pain will unveil but will not destroy me. No matter how happy someone may seem, they have moments when they question what is going. No matter how confident someone may look there are times they feel unsure and unsecure and no matter how strong someone may appear they have days they feel like they are falling apart. Never think for a moment that you are alone in your struggles; you are not a mess; you are a human being. Everyone has a story but I won’t let pain define mine. Pain doesn’t prevent purposes, it reveals them. So now in my darkest moments, I will choose to see the truth and I will choose to just be. Be still and hold on to the truth!

 PEACE!!                         

  -Wilton